You are arguing with someone online, or maybe across the table at a family dinner. You lay out perfectly logical facts. They respond with perfectly logical facts.
You both walk away thinking the other person is literally insane.
We aren’t having conversations anymore. We are having simultaneous monologues.
There is an ancient myth about the Tower of Babel. Humanity tried to build a massive tower to the heavens. In response, God confused their languages. Because the builders could no longer understand each other’s vocabulary, the project collapsed.
The Realist looks at modern society and sees the exact same tower. We have all the technology and resources to build a masterpiece. But the project is collapsing because we literally cannot understand each other anymore.
The Narcissism of Small Differences
We have stopped trying to build things together. Instead, we optimize for sorting rather than solving.
We want to find the exact micro-label that proves we are right and our neighbor is wrong.
When you view everyone who disagrees with you as an enemy or an idiot, your world gets very small. Your stress goes up. You spend all your energy defending your tiny patch of ground.
The “One Book” Strategy
To fix this, we can look at a piece of software from the Baha’i Faith. It is a relatively new religion founded in the 19th century, built on a single, radical premise: Unity.
Baha’is believe in a concept called Progressive Revelation.
They do not think Jesus, Buddha, Moses, and Muhammad were competing CEOs of different companies. They believe they were all teachers in the same school. They were just teaching different grade levels based on what humanity was ready to understand at the time.
You don’t have to adopt the religion to steal the software.
The Baha’i mindset assumes that everyone holds a piece of the truth. Your opponent isn’t your enemy; they are holding a puzzle piece you haven’t seen yet.
Unity Is Not Uniformity
We often confuse unity with uniformity. We think unity means everyone has to agree on everything.
But a symphony is only beautiful because the violin and the drum play entirely different notes. If everyone in the orchestra played the exact same note, you wouldn’t have music. You would have a dial tone.
Next time you argue with someone, stop trying to force them to play your instrument. Instead, listen for their underlying value.
- They aren’t “greedy.” They value security.
- They aren’t “reckless.” They value freedom.
Once you hear the value, you can understand the music.
The Rapoport Rule
If you want to stop arguing and start building, you need to use a tool created by psychologist Anatol Rapoport.
It is the ultimate cure for Main Character Syndrome we talked about last week.
Before you are allowed to disagree with someone, you must follow this rule: You must re-express their position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your opponent says, “Thanks, I wish I had thought of putting it that way.”
Only then are you allowed to critique it.
Stop trying to win arguments. Try to translate them. If you want to build the tower, you have to learn the language.
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