I used to think that being “in control” meant feeling nothing. When stress hit—a tight deadline, a difficult conversation, a sudden drop in revenue—I would clench my jaw, suppress the anxiety, and try to logic my way out of it.
I treated my emotions like bugs in the system that needed to be squashed. I treated anxiety like a leak in the boat—something to be plugged immediately so the ship wouldn’t sink.
But I realized recently that this wasn’t emotional regulation; it was emotional suppression. And it was burning more energy than the stress itself.
The Beach Ball Effect
I came across a comprehensive analysis of brain imaging studies that changed how I view this struggle. Researchers looked at what happens in our brains when we try to control our emotions versus when we accept them.
They discovered that when we try to suppress or “fix” our feelings, our brain scans light up with effort. It consumes massive metabolic resources to keep a lid on things.
Think of it like this: suppression is like holding a beach ball underwater. It takes constant, active force to keep it down. You can do it for a while, but it requires both hands and all your focus. The moment you get tired, it pops up with violence.
In contrast, acceptance is letting the ball float on the surface. It is still there—you aren’t ignoring it—but your hands are free. You aren’t fighting physics.
Messengers, Not Marching Orders
I realized I was asking the wrong question. I used to ask, “How do I stop feeling this?”
The better question is, “Can I learn to feel this without reacting?”
Emotions are messengers, not marching orders. The exhaustion comes not from the feeling itself, but from the secondary spiral—the shame about having the feeling.
“I am anxious” is a fact. “I shouldn’t be anxious, I should be stronger than this” is a judgment. That judgment is what leads to the spiral. When we stop trying to fix the feeling, we stop the war inside our own heads.
The 30-Second Observation
I am trying to learn how to let the ball float, but it goes against every instinct I have. So, I am starting small.
I am testing a new protocol on low-stakes annoyances—like a slow elevator, a dropped pen, or a glitchy app.
- Step 1: I notice the physical sensation (the tight chest, the hot face).
- Step 2: I label it (“This is frustration”).
- Step 3: I do not fix it. I just watch it for 30 seconds.
I am not trying to make it go away. I am just building the muscle of staying in the room with it.
Save Your Energy
The goal isn’t to be a robot. The goal is to be efficient.
Think of how much energy we waste holding the beach ball down. Imagine where that energy could go if we just let it float.
During hard moments this week, just remember: You don’t need to fix the feeling. You just need to face it.
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