The Empathy Trap: Why We’re Too Hard on Others (and Too Easy on Ourselves)

I caught myself doing it again yesterday. A car cut me off in traffic, and I immediately labeled the driver a jerk and a hazard. I didn’t wonder if he was rushing to the hospital or if he simply didn’t see me in his blind spot. I judged his character instantly.

But then I remembered last week, when I accidentally cut someone off. My internal narrative was completely different. I wasn’t a jerk; I was just distracted, late for a meeting, and stressed.

I realized that I judge others by their actions, but I judge myself by my intentions.

This is the trap. I am not the fair judge I pretend to be; I am a defense attorney for myself and a prosecutor for everyone else.

The Bug in Our Operating System

I used to think this was just a personal flaw, but it turns out it’s a standard glitch in the human operating system. Psychologists call it the Fundamental Attribution Error.

Our brains are wired to take shortcuts. When we see someone else fail, it is efficient to label them lazy or incompetent. But when we fail, we have access to all the data about our environment—the poor sleep, the unclear instructions—so we blame the situation.

I realized that this bias is actively isolating me. It makes me angry at the world because I see everyone else’s mistakes as character flaws, and it keeps me stagnant because I always have a situational excuse for my own shortcomings.

The Tool: Hanlon’s Razor

To fix this, I’ve started using a mental model called Hanlon’s Razor. The rule is simple: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

I’d add a corollary to that: …or exhaustion.

Most people aren’t out to get us. The colleague who sent the terse email likely isn’t disrespectful; they are probably just overwhelmed. The barista who got the order wrong isn’t careless; they might be new.

I find this hard to apply. My ego wants to be the victim. It feels good to be right and to make the other person the villain. But when I apply this rule, the anger evaporates. I stop taking the world personally.

My New Protocol: The Inversion

I am trying a new protocol this week to patch this bug in my system. I call it The Inversion.

• Inverting the Judgment: When someone else messes up, I force myself to assign them a situational excuse. I imagine they are sick, tired, or dealing with a crisis I can’t see.
• Inverting the Mercy: When I mess up, I force myself to look only at the action, not my intent. It doesn’t matter that I meant well; the result was poor.

The Most Generous Interpretation

I am challenging myself this week to play a game called The Most Generous Interpretation. Before I react to a rude email, a slow driver, or a friend who hasn’t texted back, I have to come up with the most generous possible explanation for their behavior.

This isn’t just for them; it’s for my peace of mind. Holding onto judgment is heavy. Letting it go is efficient.

We are all walking through the same ward, dealing with the same struggles. Let’s try to be a little easier on the other patients.